Bite Me!

08/27/2015 21:54

Film: Bite Me!

Year: 2004

Director: Brett Piper

Writer: Brett Piper

Starring: Erin Brown, Julian Wells and Rob Monkiewicz



This film begins with two guys driving in a car. They are on their way to a drug deal. The passenger we learn is kind of an idiot, while the driver isn’t all that much better. The driver doesn’t do well at paying attention to the road while the passenger struggles rolling a joint. They end up getting in a car accident near the destination when the passenger sees a large spider. The two who were waiting find the accident nearby. They collect the crate with marijuana in it and find the other is empty.

We then shift to a strip club. It is a little bit shady having large dinosaurs behind it. During the credits we meet Erin Brown. She is a stripper and she is on stage. The crowd isn’t into her dance and she is not feeling it either. The club is owned by Michael R. Thomas. He was given the club in a will and the widow of the former owner, played by Julian Wells, wants the club back. He has ten days to raise the money or he loses it. He can also lose it if there is trouble with the law.

Behind the bar is Sylvianne Chebance. We are constantly informed that she is loose woman and has gotten around with almost every one. In the back we meet the other two strippers. One is Erika Smith. She has to wear glasses and she is really ditzy. The other is comatose for much of the film from drugs, played by Caitlin Ross.

Smith goes on stage and falls into the arms of a patron. A fight ensues and during which we find out they have been paid off by Wells to fight each other. Chebance comes and breaks it up, as the police arrive. It is decided that no charges will be pressed as they both were beat up by Chebance.

Thomas then meets up with the man who has the crate and he pays for it. He hides it in the utility room. We learn that he is going to sell the marijuana to raise the money to save the strip club. The problem is, business isn’t going that well so why would he want to. Before he can broker the deal, he has to yell at the girls since no one is on stage.

Ross ends up sniffing out the marijuana and takes some. In the process she unleashes these large spiders. One of them finds its way into the dressing room where Chebance is setting up to sleep with a police officer from earlier. The spider bites her and sucks her blood. Thomas comes in to find it and kills it with a newspaper, splattering blood everywhere. Chebance acts much different now that she has spider venom in her veins. Another spider is found and Ross kills it with her high heel shoe.

There are more of these spiders though and Rob Monkiewicz is called in to help, the local exterminator. He is not too intelligent either. He is charged with finding the nest of these giant spiders with human-like faces. Not to mention there is a crazy man at the bar, who turns out to be a DEA agent. He is played by John Paul Fedele.

Wells gets bite as does Brown and it changes them in completely different ways. Can these spiders stopped before it is too late? Can their nest be found? What are the side-effects of these monsters?

I have to say that this is a quirky movie. This is low-budget and it knows it. It really tries to play up the comedy and have a ton of nudity. This move is dumb, but it definitely plays on it knowing that if it tried to be more serious, it would completely fail. I don’t really have much more to say in the positive for it.

I am also not going to bash this film too bad for the reasons above. The nudity isn’t bad, not that any of the woman are super good looking. This really has a feel of being a parody of the giant monster films of the 50s. Now the problem with that is the spiders aren’t big enough until the end of this film to be like those films. They also are done with computers and do not look real. The acting isn’t good, the story is lacking and the action is borderline outrageous.

With that said, I would only recommend this film if you want to have friends over, crack open a few drinks and watch a bad horror film. This one knows that it is bad and plays it up even more, which would be fun to watch with friends. If you are looking for a serious horror film, then avoid this one. It is kind of boring, the acting isn’t very good and spiders look very fake. There is a lot of nudity from decent looking women, but that isn’t really worth your time.


My Rating: 3 out of 10